You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
