...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My cat gives me a boner
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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