I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
