are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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