this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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