mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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