If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
