Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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