I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Randomize
