I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We just shotgunned beers for America
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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