saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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