Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
