im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
