I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
