I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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