My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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