cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
