God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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