The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
