Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
