I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
