I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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