you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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