my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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