for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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