I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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