good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize