So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize