You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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