At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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