I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
pop tarts are not kleenex
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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