I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
