It's like God shit irony all over that family
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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