I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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