i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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