found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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