They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
