Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
