She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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