So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
