I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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