Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize