You just made me feel so damn special
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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