Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
