The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
