Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
