i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
