so explain again why im purple
no
i just sent this text using only my big toe
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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