I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
