Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
