Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
