Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
