you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
