You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
