her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
