Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Green mimosas i think yes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
