you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
