Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
