I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
