Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
