Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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