You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
