I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
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i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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