there's paper in my vomit.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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