i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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